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life
Sept 19, 2010 9:02:26 GMT
Post by suze on Sept 19, 2010 9:02:26 GMT
sitting here in bed warm wife reading her book yesterday's paper strewn coffee drunk toast eaten fresh air billowing the curtain birds aubible outside
This is life. This is love.
A little pause while I decide what to do next.
And I accidentally fall into thinking about life.
Yesterday my brother remarked to me about the harrowing nature of my friends' cancer stories. I agreed, and flippantly said: "Yeah and that's the ones who aren't already dead".
I feel my own cancer story has not really been very harrowing yet.
I'm not really scared of dying .. sleep's always been alright with me.
But harrowing, that scares me. That slow decline, and most of all the pain That scares me.
But for now I contine to enjoy coffee, toast, papers and warm wife.
Life
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jan
Junior Member
Posts: 82
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life
Sept 19, 2010 10:34:55 GMT
Post by jan on Sept 19, 2010 10:34:55 GMT
Awww, the moment sounds perfect.
How to deal with these thoughts?
Dunno,
but I HAVE to believe in something else to come after death, I don't know what, I firmly believe I will see my son again, and this somehow keeps the fear at bay...I also know medically that pain does not have to be an issue with good pain management.
I was profoundly affected by a visit to The Big Buddha on Lantau Island, Hong Kong, esp his teaching..
The Buddha said to learn how to live a life fully at the present moment is the best way to keep fear under practical control.
I think you live a very full life.
xxxxx
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life
Sept 19, 2010 10:44:49 GMT
Post by suze on Sept 19, 2010 10:44:49 GMT
Thanks, jan.
I am sure you are right.
B tells me she's just read a book about Apaches and one of the words of wisdom ideas she has taken from that culture is their derision of the Westerners' habit of thinking about death, we "Die a thousand times instead of only once" ..
which is an idea I really try to hold onto about controlling my imagination, not dwelling on fears or horrors about anything, cos if bad things happen it will be enough to experience them once, not in pointless rehersal!
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life
Nov 21, 2010 9:15:06 GMT
Post by suze on Nov 21, 2010 9:15:06 GMT
Had a few sad moments this week .. strangely around housework .. (now I do most of it, we chose surfaces for the shed that need almost daily attention!)
I was just wiping the base of of one of the swivel chairs and started to cry at the thought of B having to do this mundane task for herself if she keeps the shed on ..
Do not know why this thought suddenly struck me out of the blue .. but being single is not something either of us have done much of .. and yet nearly all the jobs that you share as a couple in a home (or two) still have to be done when you are on your own .. I find that when I do housework I am often thinking of her, and that I do this little service to keep things sweet for us, and so that she does not have to do it .. and when I am not here, or even when I am tired out with treatments, she does and will have to do it for herself .
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life
Nov 21, 2010 9:18:17 GMT
Post by suze on Nov 21, 2010 9:18:17 GMT
Then another sad thing . a fellah I vaguely know from a health website I use has lost his baby - it would seem to cot death, and he has posted about this and gradually people on the forum are adding their condolances ..
One of the people who wrote has this as her signture line: [glow=red,2,300]Life is what you make it [/glow]Which is certainly something I agree with
In this frame of mind: thinking about the future, and also about this little baby who hardly even had any life, and his parents ..
I start to realise this, too [glow=red,2,300]Death is what you make it [/glow]
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jan
Junior Member
Posts: 82
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life
Nov 22, 2010 21:38:12 GMT
Post by jan on Nov 22, 2010 21:38:12 GMT
True, very true,
This time last year I was making xmas puddings and cakes supervised by Mother who thought she would not be here this year, it was a frenetic time of putting everything in order, very hard and stressful.
This year she is still supervising me, (still thinks I haven't got it quite right), but in a far more enjoyable, relaxed atmosphere .
Her prognosis is short, but has accepted it, refused anymore treatment and is going to live the next few months to the best of her capabilities.
she is feisty again, argumentative, stroppy, but much more like the Mum I know.
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life
May 30, 2011 17:13:12 GMT
Post by suze on May 30, 2011 17:13:12 GMT
Another thought of a vaguely morbid strain ... happy little B and me,at home today, working side by side ... tidying up all the muddle after our new kitchen installation ...
and we are wiping down wine bottles, she passes me one and says: "oh, a great jacket potatoe wine" and I look at it and laugh ...
and then I just start crying, cos no-one else knows about the jacket potatoe wine, it is just one of those comic references to things you build up when you live with someone for 18 years and have so many memories ..
and she cannot share that joke with anyone else, and in any case it's probably not that funny .. but it makes us laugh, and then it made us both cry, cos sometimes crying is catching ....
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life
May 30, 2011 23:01:10 GMT
Post by anne on May 30, 2011 23:01:10 GMT
oh that's lovely, and it makes me feel sad too. x
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life
Jul 14, 2011 11:19:47 GMT
Post by suze on Jul 14, 2011 11:19:47 GMT
Oh happy day .. you ought to read this post with that tune in your head ... I have just been out on my bike, ostensibly to get to a tai chi class at gym, but thanks to a few too many wrong turns I was too late for that, but it didn't matter .. I got a coffee there and sat outside basking in the sun ..it feels like the summer proper has finally got here .. And then I peddled back. All the way, for two hours out on my bike round here where we live, through the oil refinery to Ellesmere Port I was just delighted, over and over again, delighted to be out in the sun, getting some happy endorphins from my cycling and just so totally glad to be alive today .. The path, no cars, here, most of the distance fro here to the gym is on dirt track or very quiet roads through the industrial estate So the paths are full of butterflies, swifts (or swallows, who knows?) darting about a few feet off the ground The hedges full of beautiful wild flowers, some familiar and some I don't recognise Wide expanses of land under culitivation, already heavy with the load of crops Bunnies bobbing about in front of me Crows and buzzards sweeping overhead, one lot in some dispute, two crows onto one buzzard ... The delightful song of a blackbird Air often heavy with the sweet scent of buddleia and roses, released by the gentle warmth of the sun that is warming me and making me think of three more warm weeks ahead in France... Delightful, delightful, just delightful ... I want to send a hymn of thanks, and especially thanks to the people who have helped me get here, to my doctors and the other medical folk, and all my lovely family and friends who have kept me cheerful and give me endless reasons to be glad to be alive today
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life
Jul 14, 2011 15:14:54 GMT
Post by mumndad on Jul 14, 2011 15:14:54 GMT
Now then which path did you take was it left or was it right, probably both roads lead to the same place. Bye LM.xxxxxxx
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life
Jul 14, 2011 15:57:42 GMT
Post by suze on Jul 14, 2011 15:57:42 GMT
Very philosophical mum!
There is a poem on that theme, Robert Frost, basically says it makes no difference, although you might eventaully end up telling stories as though it does! The Road Not Taken Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear, Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I marked the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
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life
Jul 15, 2011 14:10:40 GMT
Post by mumndad on Jul 15, 2011 14:10:40 GMT
Very good. I dont know why but that verse led me down another road.The daffodils by Wordsworth. Its to long for me to type. Bye now L.M. xxxxxx
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life
Jul 15, 2011 20:14:12 GMT
Post by suze on Jul 15, 2011 20:14:12 GMT
ha, mum ... I guess you were WANDERING!
by the wya ... I didn't type that, it is the wonder of cut and paste!
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life
Jul 16, 2011 7:43:11 GMT
Post by mumndad on Jul 16, 2011 7:43:11 GMT
OOh get away with yer.
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life
Jul 16, 2011 8:02:33 GMT
Post by mumndad on Jul 16, 2011 8:02:33 GMT
I think some times your mind wanders, especially when you feel worried or sad. The other day I was thinking about my Mum, then my Dad and brother, nice things we used to do as a family especially at Christmas. Like on Xmas morning we all got in M and Ds. big bed to open our pressys, but first Dad went to make us a drink and bring up kunzle cakes or choc marshmallows, to me that was the real start to Xmas. Other times I just weep thinking about them.Its surprising what can set you off, If I see a very shiney pair of shoes it makes me think of my Dad for his shoes were always clean., you could see your face in them even his working boots. Just a mo while I dab my eyes. Bye now L.M. xxxx
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