|
Post by suze on Jun 5, 2010 5:28:24 GMT
A thread for posting anything that made you laugh.
Someone posted this on another site I use:
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
;D
|
|
|
Post by anne on Jun 10, 2010 19:53:27 GMT
A snail went into a smart car showroom and asked to look at some high range sports cars.
Eventually the snail picked on a super speedy, bright red Alfa Romeo but demanded some extras. He asked for a large yellow letter S to be painted onto the bonnet, some smaller italic style letter s's to be painted onto the doors, a luminous S to be added to the roof and the seat covers to be made from fabric covered in an S calligraphy pattern.
It took a while for these modifications to be made but eventually the car was ready for collection. The snail slid into the driver's seat and drove off in the direction of London.
"Why", asked the Sales Assistant, "do you think the snail wanted a car covered in S's?"
"I have no idea", replied his boss ...
.... " but just look at that S car go!"
|
|
sam
Junior Member
Posts: 62
|
Post by sam on Jun 29, 2010 11:08:17 GMT
Having recently had to administer various anti-biotics to both a cat and a dog, this made me smile:
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take away taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard door on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away t-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve ****ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper. 13. Tie the little sod’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill. 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home, to order new dining table. 15. Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” ad in local newspaper and ring local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
Wrap it in bacon.
|
|
karen
Full Member
WHEEeeee.......urk
Posts: 168
|
Post by karen on Jun 29, 2010 11:53:09 GMT
The fisherman returns home in his pirogue and is met by a foreign expert serving in this developing country. The expert asks the fisherman why he is back so early. He replies that he could have stayed out longer but he had caught enough to care for his family. “and now, what do you do with all your time anyway?” the expert asks. The fisherman responds: “Well, I do a little fishing. I play with my children. We all have a siesta when it gets hot. In the evening, we have supper together. Later I get together with my friends for some music, and so on”. The expert interrupts: “Look, I have a university degree and have studied these matters. I want to help you. You should stay out fishing longer. You would earn more and soon be able to purchase a bigger boat than this pirogue. With a bigger boat, you would earn still more and soon be able to build up a fleet of trawlers” “And then?” the fisherman inquires. “Then, instead of selling fish through a middle man, you could negotiate directly with the factory or even start your own fish-processing plant. You would be able to leave your village and move to Cotonou, or Paris, or New York and run the whole thing from there. You could even consider putting your business on the stock market and earn millions!” “How long would that all take?” the fisherman asks. “Perhaps 15 to 20 years” the expert answers. “And then?” the fisherman continues. “That is when life gets interesting” the expert explains. “Then you could retire. You could move away from the hustle and bustle of it all to some remote village”. “And what then?” asks the fisherman. “Then you have the time to do a little fishing. Play with your children, have a siesta when it gets hot, have supper with the family, and get together with friends for some music”. - shamelessly nicked from another site that probably isn't suitable for most people here
|
|
|
Post by suze on Jun 29, 2010 14:47:00 GMT
yeah - it feels a lot like that Karen ... tho now I'm not working anymore I am wondering how the heck I ever fitted it all in!
|
|
karen
Full Member
WHEEeeee.......urk
Posts: 168
|
Post by karen on Jun 29, 2010 16:43:40 GMT
I don't get that much work but I do find that when I've got it then initially at least I find myself resenting the intrusion on my time time that I usually spend looking for work to do it's a contradictory place my head, I'm sure I'll get used to living there eventually
|
|
|
Post by anne on Aug 16, 2010 10:07:27 GMT
this isn't a joke - just a conversations between two small boys outside my window I've just heard (because they do it full volume, of course!0 Boy 1: 'Go get an elastic band' Boy 2: 'I don't know where!' Boy 1: 'Go home and ask!' Boy 2: 'They don't have one!' Boy 1: 'Well have a look!' Boy 2: 'I'll go to my nan's and see if she has one!' I know it looks a bit trivial, but it's made me chuckle - (1) why doesn't Boy 2 tell Boy 1 to look for his own elastic band and (2) what do they need it for anyway?
|
|
|
Post by suze on Aug 16, 2010 11:11:21 GMT
and the knowledge that nan is likely to have what mum doesn't!
|
|
|
Post by anne on Aug 16, 2010 15:17:13 GMT
.. or possibly the knowledge that nan won't ask questions!
|
|
|
Post by suze on Sept 11, 2010 5:03:05 GMT
This 81 year old guy set sail of Anglesea to rescue his wheelie bin, then they had to launch the lifeboat to rescue him AND his little dinghy, AND the bin ... marvellous!
|
|
|
Post by anne on Sept 14, 2010 18:56:58 GMT
Woe betide anyone who loses their wheelie bin!
At my safety training tour on Monday, I reached our countryside scenario with my group of three ten year olds. We talked about leaving things as we found them, the hazards of country roads, shall we eat the mushrooms and climb on the tractor ... no. We stood in front of a wooden stile in a drystone wall ...
Pointing at the stile I asked them if they knew "what this structure is, and why is it useful?".
They thought. The girl replied ..
"Well when the farmer needs to milk the cows he needs somewhere to sit"
|
|
karen
Full Member
WHEEeeee.......urk
Posts: 168
|
Post by karen on Sept 17, 2010 11:29:55 GMT
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . didn't care one way or the other
shamelessly nicked and edited for family friendliness
|
|
|
Post by anne on Oct 1, 2010 17:53:25 GMT
Hit the little arrows on the bottom right to get rid of the adverts and make it full screen.
|
|
|
Post by suze on Oct 3, 2010 8:55:57 GMT
love that guppy, seems like the little one is trying to coax the sheep to move as well!
|
|
|
Post by anne on Dec 6, 2010 18:59:54 GMT
|
|